If you're broke and hungry at 1am, this survives. Otherwise, it's a cry for help in circular form.
Reliable7/10
Rising Crust Pepperoni Deluxe
🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕
7/10
"Solid effort. Respectable crust energy."
Actually trying. Cheese pull exists. Would not insult you for serving it to guests.
Elite9/10
Premium Pizzeria-Style Margherita
🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕
9/10
"This has no business being frozen."
If you told me this came from a wood-fired oven, I would believe you and question reality.
The Hall of Fame
Currdogg's Top 10 Frozen Pizzas 🏆
Ranked by taste, texture, and the all-important "would I buy this again" metric.
1
DiGiorno Wood-Fired Crust👑
I called my mother crying. This pizza healed something in me a therapist couldn't reach. I have forgiven my enemies. The crust is doing more for my mental health than my SSRIs.
2
Screamin' Sicilian
Cheese so aggressive it filed a restraining order against my taste buds. The pepperoni cups are tiny little grease chalices. 10/10 would be assaulted again.
3
Di Fara — A Brooklyn Legend
Frozen pizza shouldn't be allowed to be this good. I'm calling the FBI. This is fraud, this is treason, and I love it deeply.
4
Stranger Things (Surfer Boy)
I bought this as a joke. The joke is on me. Strangely, suspiciously, possibly-from-the-Upside-Down good. Eleven would approve.
5
Newman's Own Sourdough Crust
Paul Newman is dead and STILL out-cooking your entire bloodline. The sourdough tang has notes of 'I peaked in the 70s and I'm still hotter than you.'
6
Yough! (Greek Yogurt Crust)
50g of protein and a crust made of yogurt — sounds like a CrossFit prank. Instead it tickles your glands in a way that should be illegal in 14 states. Genuinely weird, genuinely good.
7
Italpizza Devil Pepperoni
If you want spicy, this pizza will personally walk into your mouth and start a fight. Wood-fired, soul-singed, gloriously aggressive. Bring milk and an apology letter.
8
Motor City Detroit-Style Deep Dish
Crispy cheese frico edges that taste like they were forged in a steel mill by a guy named Sal. Deep, square, unapologetic. Detroit rock pizza.
9
California Pizza Kitchen
Tastes exactly like a 2003 mall food court — and I mean that as a compliment. Nostalgic, slightly fancy, suspiciously yellow. Goes down easy.
10
Red Baron Brick Oven Crust
Exists. Is pizza. Will not be remembered at the funeral. Solid B-tier bachelor fuel. The Toyota Camry of the freezer aisle.
On the Bench
Awaiting Their Day in the Oven.
Pizzas currently glaring at me from the freezer drawer. Ranked by how hyped I am to actually bake them.
Verdicts pending
1
Milton's Cauliflower Crust
Cauliflower crust is a personality. Will it slap or will it taste like a yoga mat? I owe science an answer.
Verdict pending
2
Cheez-It Pizza
This shouldn't exist. I will eat it anyway. For research. For my readers. For chaos.
Verdict pending
🚨 Warning Zone
DO NOT TRY. BAD.
Three pizzas so offensive they made it onto a permanent watchlist. Step away from the freezer. Save your $9. Save your evening. Save your soul.
Avoid at all costs
Avoid
Kirkland Signature (Costco)
Big box, big disappointment. Tastes like a Costco employee handbook. The cheese has the emotional range of drywall. You get four of them because nobody wants more than one.
Avoid
Rao's Brick Oven
Their pasta sauce? A religious experience. This pizza? A betrayal. Buy the jar, leave the box. The crust tastes like an Italian grandmother who's mad at you.
Avoid
Home Run Inn
I would rather eat the cardboard box. I would rather eat the freezer. This isn't pizza, it's a war crime served on a doily. The dough wept. The cheese gave up. I have written to my congressman.
🍕
Equal parts serious pizza analysis… and freezer aisle judgment calls.
One guy. One oven. Hundreds of frozen pizzas. No paid placements, no PR boxes — just an unhealthy commitment to telling you which discs are worth thawing.
Watch: The Frozen Pizza Verdict — straight from the oven, straight to the point.